i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
