And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
