i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
