Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
