I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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