i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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