you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I supernannyed him into submission
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