Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
