my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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