he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
