So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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