A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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