I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
