Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
