Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
