I accidentally had phone sex last night
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
