I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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