I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
