Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
