11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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