I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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