Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
