shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I got inside last night via doggy door
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
