...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
