I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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