bring money and cleavage
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
