How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
the condom got lost in my hair
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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