i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
they're like a gay fantastic four
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Bring me that man meat
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
