I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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