i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
