i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
