Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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