$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize