I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize
