I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
