woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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