i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize