I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
