so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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