I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just gargled with NyQuil
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
