I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
