ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
