I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
