I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
