I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
should my penis look like a turkey
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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