Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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