if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
