I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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