Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
