The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
