The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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