Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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