meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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