Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
