I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize