3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
