I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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