well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
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