I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I will pee on everything he values.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
