My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
